Reviews by djprojexion

The Strange Color of Your Body's Tears is a difficult movie to describe, you will read or hear stuff like "head trip," "fever dream," "orgy of colors," or "fetishized imagery. It's a film that is all about creating a visual and aural feast, not concerned in the least bit about plot, story structure, character development, or even logic. And it's nothing new or groundbreaking. If you go back to the giallo films of Sergio Martino and Dario Argento, pay close attention to the dream sequences. SCYBT is like taking one of those dream sequences and stretching it to an hour and a half. If this in any way tantalizes you then you are in for a treat. It's devotion to this aesthetic sets it apart from the typical, safe cinema that we have today and for that I think it's worth recommending.

Four Flies on Grey Velvet is the final film in Argento's "animal trilogy" and probably gets the honor of the best opening and closing credit sequences in the maestro's canon. Let's start with that opening sequence, set to a rollicking jam session in a recording studio, cut to a random beating heart with no real connection to anything. Okay that's weird and why are we looking at the band through a hole? Oh wait, that's actually a POV shot from inside a guitar! Argento, you genius! Add to that a pesky fly that keeps attacking the drummer, who dispenses of said fly with a well timed hi-hat. This drummer turns out to be the main character, played by Michael Brandon who is a little too stoic and serious to be a likable lead. Luckily there is a plethora of oddball characters to make up for it. You have a vagabond mentor named Godfrey, played by spaghetti western staple Bud Spencer, who is introduced with Jesus Christ Superstar style theme music. There's also a gay private eye and a battered mailman. What it lacks in blood and gore it makes up for in scares, there's a recurring nightmare about a beheading execution, a woman gets trapped in a park after dark, and the eyeball of a victim is preserved to capture the last image seen before death. Really creepy stuff. All leading up to that amazing slo-motion car crash decapitation finale set to a haunting Morricone score.

Argento score card:
Blood - 2
Scares - 5
Music - 4
Lusty women - 5
Camera work - 6
Color palette - 2
Crazed animals - 2 (two points for creepy cats and "One Fly on a Drummer's Face")

Total score: 26/70

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage is Dario Argento's first film and despite being a very tame giallo, all the elements that make Argento who he is are all here at such an early stage. POV shots and exquisite framing, black leather glove-clad killer, ordinary Joe caught up in a mystery, etc. That being said, the style and violence are toned down considerably compared to his later work. Tony Musante makes for an enjoyable lead as an American writer who witnesses an attempted murder and then assists in the investigation. Some classic sequences include the attempted murder at the art gallery and lusty counter-culture chick Suzy Kendall trapped in her apartment with the killer trying to get in. The creepy library score by Ennio Morricone is also a nice treat. Now to the disappointing ending, we are given a sculpture with spikes all over it that you would think is going to be used to violently impale the killer (see Tenebre). Instead it is used to temporarily trap the hero? Bollocks. Add to that a cheesy "psychiatrist explains the killer's motive" epilogue a la Psycho? Aside from the ending, it's a decent little murder/mystery worth seeing for the maestro's debut.

Argento score card:
Blood - 2
Scares - 4
Music - 7
Lusty women - 5
Camera work - 5
Color palette - 3
Crazed animals - 1 (one point for the cats)

Total score: 27/70

The Cat o' Nine Tails is the second film in Argento's "animal trilogy" and for some reason this trilogy is virtually devoid of the crazed, blood-thristy animals of his later films. There isn't even a cat o' one tail to wreak havoc on anyone (see Inferno or Two Evil Eyes for some real cat terror). The mystery unfolds around a gumshoe reporter and a blind old man, a killer is stacking victims and they may have the key to find his identity. The reporter is played by James Franciscus, who is sort of like the poor man's Charlton Heston. He is arrogant, no-nonsense, and doesn't give a damn about your mother's ravioli (actual line of dialogue). Karl Malden adds great support as the blind old man who wields a cane sword and crossword puzzles with equal gusto. There's really only one lusty lady in this film, Catherine Spaak who plays Anna. She struts around in swanky little outfits, but her hair kind of reminds me of Carol Brady. Not a good thing. Unlike his later films, there's not much in way of blood and scares, it's more Hitchcock than Bava. It does feature a guy getting hit in the face by a moving train, and a rather brutal fight scene at the end. But the real high water mark of the film is Argento's use of green and red. Every scene features these colors prominently which adds a certain wild mania to the proceedings. Add to that a spaghetti western-meets-horror musical score from Ennio Morricone and you got a top notch giallo from the maestro's early days.

Argento score card:
Blood - 3
Scares - 5
Music - 7
Lusty women - 4
Camera work - 6
Color palette - 8
Crazed animals - 1 (one point for the rats)

Total score: 34/70

Dario Argento's Opera could be considered one of the last truly great films in the maestro's canon. It sets itself apart from the rest by showcasing some of the most innovative, breathtaking cinematography I've ever seen in a film. Period. Argento and first-time collaborator Ronnie Taylor really let loose and run wild with the visuals. POV shots abound, including crow-vision and sink drain-vision to name a few. The camera glides and swoops through the air like an apparition, adding to the creepy feel of the proceedings. The "needles under the eyelids" concept is used to great effect, not since A Clockwork Orange has this form of torture been so terrifying. Opera is not as bloody nor as scary as previous Argento films, it drags in certain parts and none of the characters are very likeable or compelling. But it does hold up nicely as a spooky thriller and the "head-shot through the peep hole" stands as one of Argento's best sequences.

Argento score card:
Blood - 7
Scares - 6
Music - 4
Lusty women - 6
Camera work - 10
Color palette - 4
Crazed animals - 5 (a murder of crows!)

Total score: 42/70

Morgan Stewart's Coming Home is a nice little teen comedy from the 80s starring the always likeable Jon Cryer. This was one of those movies that aired almost daily on HBO during the late 80s. It was groundbreaking in its day for taking a jab at the dysfunctional family dynamics of wealthy socialites/politicians. Lynn Redgrave is great as Morgan's cold as ice mother Nancy, but this really is Jon Cryer's show. It also features 80s go-to asshole, Paul Gleason as the sleazy shyster Jay. Morgan is a true horror film geek, almost to the extreme as Chainsaw in Summer School. An interesting love story develops between Morgan and a fellow horror geek, who of course is oblivious to his family's wealth and political standing. Which leads to a silly romp of an ending complete with an army jeep crashing into a fountain. You gotta love the 80s.

Inferno is Dario Argento's masterpiece, thanks in part to a near collaborative effort from Italian horror pioneer Mario Bava. As the second part of The Mother of Tears trilogy, Argento tackles the mystical world of alchemy. The scenes play out like a fever dream, neon pink and blue glowing from every window as if the moon was illuminating the night in these colors. The set pieces add to the nightmarish landscape: a hole in a basement floor leading to an underwater room, the alchemist lair with boiling pots, even the building's architecture. The killer does not wear black gloves, instead we see his creepy demonic hands which is a nice change of pace. There are some flaws, poor dubbing and a rather annoying musical score. But the use of colors, set design, and bizarre scenarios places Inferno right at the top alongside Suspiria as Argento's best work.

Argento score card:
Blood - 6
Scares - 9
Music - 5
Lusty women - 4
Camera work - 8
Color palette - 10
Crazed animals - 8 (possessed felines, killer rats, a neck chomping seeing-eye dog, and a pigeon thrown at Daria Nicolodi's head)

Total score: 50/70

Suspiria is like a ride through an amusement park funhouse with candy-colored lights, eerie music, and scares that come out of nowhere. Hitchcock is on tap here as well as Bava, both an obvious influence on Argento. Never has horror been so gorgeous and artistically rendered. The cinematography, set design, and lighting are all oscar-worthy. Yes, the gore is extreme, but balances out evenly with the suspense and atmosphere. It does have it's share of flaws, some of the acting and dialogue is pretty bad and that lecture on witchcraft halfway through really brought things to a screeching halt. But as far as Italian horror, or horror in general is concerned, this is the cream of the crop. Arguably Argento's best (while I prefer Inferno) and I think it's interesting to note that if you were to strip Suspiria of everything that makes it great you would be left with what horror cinema is today.

Argento score card:
Blood - 8
Scares - 10
Music - 10
Lusty women - 6
Camera work - 8
Color palette - 10
Crazed animals - 2 (maggots?)

Total score: 54/70

Tenebre marked a return to traditional giallo mode for Argento, departing from the surreal, colorful world of witches and alchemy. Which means we have here a pretty straight forward slasher giallo, but the big difference is the blood and gore level has been turned up quite considerably. And that is where Argento truly shines in Tenebre. It's certainly not without its faults, The story is boring and plodding for the most part, its got some of the most horrendous dubbing I've ever heard in my life. But let's be real, that's not why we watch Argento films. We watch them to see beautiful women hacked up with creativity, style, and bravura. And boy does this film boast quite a plethora of lusty Italian beauties. The exquisite apartment camera work and the ax wielding finale are the high water marks. Ultimately not the maestro's best, but still better than most slashers of it's time.

Argento score card:
Blood - 10
Scares - 6
Music - 7
Lusty women - 10
Camera work - 8
Color palette - 2
Crazed animals - 5 (one very determined doberman)

Total score: 48/70

Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann is a mildly entertaining time travel movie from the mind of enigmatic musician and former Monkees frontman, Michael Nesmith. It's one of the few movies he actually had a hand in along with Elephant Parts. Here he plays it a little too straight, never allowing it to be as fun as say, Back To The Future 3. Was this an inspiration for BTF3? Maybe.

Lyle Swann is a champion off-road dirt bike racer who is sent back in time to 1877 thanks to a computer malfunction. Upon arrival, he gets into it with a group of outlaws led by 80s everyman, Peter Coyote. Only here he is brilliantly cast against type, sporting silver fronts and uttering such classic bits of dialogue as "Piss on that, piss on you!" and "You yellow chickenshit head, you yellow craphead!" Swann is given a love interest played by Aussie babe Belinda Bauer. As is the case with most Australian babes of the 80s, they ain't no damsel in distress.

There's some cool tech bits sprinkled throughout, such as the helmet with a computerized viser. Poor Fred Ward, every time he takes off the helmet it looks like he just got out of a hot shower. Fred Ward is good in the lead, but lets be real, it's not quite Remo Williams level Fred Ward. In closing, I'd say Timerider is your typical bottom shelf 80s sci-fi/western fair. Watch BTF3 if you want to see how it's done right.